My 10 Rules for Relationships that WORK!

1. Assume that the people you are in relationship with are coming from a place of love. After all, why would you want to be in a relationship with someone who is not coming from love?  I am NOT talking about romantic love.  I am talking about the kind of love that always wants what is best for someone; love that is not selfish or self-seeking but that is generous, forgiving, kind, long suffering, without envy, jealousy, or malice.

2. Make time to have the difficult conversations, and be brave enough to speak honestly about what is going on for you.  It is NEVER your place to make the other person wrong while you are having difficult conversations. It is your place to OWN your own feelings, emotions, expectations, and attitudes.

3. Listen. Don’t interrupt. Actively listen to what is being said to you – allow pregnant pauses and ask questions when you are not clear about something.

4. Don’t rush to “fix it.”  More often than not, the person talking does not want you to fix anything; they simply want to be heard.

5. Don’t project behavior on to the other person.  What they are doing, and what you perceive may be very different things. For example, a partner going out for a beer with co-workers after work – may be just that.  There is no reason that should be a threat to you or your relationship.  A phone call to let someone know they may be home late is in order but grilling the person as if they are having an affair is CRAZY.  If you cannot trust your partner to go have a beer, seriously, you are in the wrong relationship.

6. Never, under any circumstances, enter a long-term relationship with someone who “can’t live without you.”  If someone says, “I cannot live without you” – run!  Do not walk to the nearest exit.  People who express this kind of possessiveness are not emotionally healthy enough to be in a relationship.  They have some work to do.

7. Have periodic discussions about expectations. Nearly all pain people experience in relationships comes from unmet expectations.  Sometimes the expectations are set because of things that one partner says to the other, sometimes the expectations are unspoken.  When someone says, “I love you” do you know what meaning they are trying to convey?  Or do you simply assume that they mean the same thing that you mean when you say, “I love you.”

8. If you live with someone, whether the relationship is intimate or platonic – discuss divisions of labor and chores.  Set realistic expectations about who does what, and how and when things are done.

9. Only accept responsibility for YOURSELF. Own your own stuff. Be aware of what is going on for others but also be aware that how they react or respond is theirs to choose and to own. Be clear about the nature of your relationship.  If you are unclear, ask questions until you have a complete understanding. 

10. Let the past be the past.  Stop keeping score. Do not bring up past wrongs. Stay focused on the present.